The Enlightenment in 5 Steps

- Guaranteed Results in 21 Days!

Time is the greatest luxury, because it slips through our fingers, like the steaming green tea steam in the bio-Buddhist tea room.

Suffering demands modern solutions, and there have never been so many opportunities to dumb down the mind - but thankfully the time has come when the Samsara's angst can be paid for with a credit card. And enlightenment, like all ordinary modern products, is now available quickly, conveniently and in a single package.

In this blog, I'm going to show you five steps that anyone can take to achieve ultimate happiness in three weeks, with a little persistence and a few nifty apps. Guaranteed results, money-back guarantee! (Karma credit if you don't.)

So welcome to a five-part mind-transforming list, with reality as an optional extra.

Step 1: Comfort nirvāṇa - the beginning of the path free from suffering

The old masters sat on hard stone, but the modern Buddha knows: it's all in the backbone! Our meditation app 3D scans your back to make sure your back is perfectly straight - the point is to make sure the pain only shows up on your credit card balance.

The Buddha's message has been re-tuned today: never let spirituality be uncomfortable be present, but only as long as it is pleasant. Your meditation seat cushion should be memory foam, and distracting thoughts should be simply "swipe" away!

"Dukkha? There is a solution: prana pillow and positive mantra!" If you do feel anxious, just say to yourself, "It's just a thought."

Step 2: Download Nirvāṇa from the cloud - mindfulness Void app for all devices

The modern Buddha is reborn through Google Play. True enlightenment begins when you find the right app. The Void - śūnyatā - is now digital. Downloadable guided meditation, with automatic bodhisattva notification: if a friend is suffering, a push message alerts you to send a compassionate smayti. Choose between the matrix of reality principle and illusion with a single touch - ad-free version with monthly subscription.

As a special bonus, you will receive daily Buddha quotes and breathing exercises in notifications, with the choice of lo-fi Zen monastic ambiance as background music. All your progress is tracked by statistics, so you don't get lost on the path of dharma.

Step 3: Personalised Passion - algorithmic tuning of the soul

True Buddhism offers to all beings the Personalised suffering. Your Transhuman-designed chatbot musician will answer all your questions - even the ones you didn't ask. Personal karma report: who knows, maybe thanks to your online good deed last week, you won't be reborn as an Excel spreadsheet this year. Eg: "Where's Mani Bamme' hmm?",  The point is that vibrations harmonise the tension of daily meetings. The initiation is now available online with a QR code.

Step 4: Bodhisattva Home Decor - ornaments and scented candles to uplift your consciousness

True transformation begins when every corner of your home radiates spirituality. Buddha head on shelf, pink aura crystal, OM-patterned yoga mat
salt-lamps, mala-beads - - all these are the "lifestyle" props of enlightenment. The more beautiful the interior, the higher the level of consciousness.

this time the samsara rotation is in style! If your mind is in too much chaos, at least tidy up your home: a feng shui course comes with the "Karma Cleanse" scented candle, whose aroma is guaranteed to neutralise the sour aftertaste of everyday life. If you're conscious enough, you can even put a Buddha magnet in the fridge. Forget that true emptiness begins on empty shelves!

Step 5: Social media nirvāṇa - The ultimate upgrade of the Ego

Today, enlightenment is no longer an internal event: the real Buddha is live streaming his awakening!

The initiation is only complete if you share it. Post on Day 21: "I am enlightened and you can be too!" Hashtag: #21dayenlightenment, #BuddhaUpgrade. PerfectDress #ReflectionlessCarma. The number of likes is directly proportional to the inner peace.

If the wheel of samsara is spinning, just switch to a different filter and look for feedback: likes, comments and number of followers.

The ultimate paradox of reality is that the more you want it, the further away it is. The "21 days of instant enlightenment" is just part of the samsārik blink, the emptiness finally shining through all the absurdity: when you finally let go of the quest, you realise that enlightenment is not a product, not a lifestyle, not even a goal - but the timeless silence of wakefulness lurking behind all the jokes.

Anyone who takes this seriously now will be reborn immediately. But those who are willing to laugh at their own spiritual self-realisation have already started on the path to true awakening.