"Stress management with Buddha" - Peace of mind, now at a discount price
(or: How to turn enlightenment into mental detoxification?)
In the collective frenzy of the 21st century, the product that no one needed but everyone wants immediately has finally been born: the "Stress Management with Buddha" coaching package. Because when everything else has failed - therapies, coaches, mindfulness workshops, wellness weekends, beer-accompanied self-care - then finally a trusted, branded Enlightened One comes along who is guaranteed not to say no to the development package.
Welcome to the Buddha shop!
Buddha is waiting at the entrance, with a free smile and an original, organic lotus-scented brochure. The package comes with everything you need: a self-awareness checklist, a meditation cushion, a dose of 'letting go' in the form of powder, and of course a QR code for daily wisdom to help you drop stress into nirvāṇa with a swipe.
The motto: "Just drop the silence and let your problems solve themselves!"
Stress is nothing but badly managed karma
My first coaching session will teach you that your boss is not yelling at you because he is an incompetent sadist, but because he is a projection of your subconscious, drawn in by you from the karma of your past life. If you can't let go of the boss, you get a Buddha-induced stress ball instead, into which you can squeeze all your anxieties - unless you're the boss, because then there's no one to pray to, just emptiness.
"Suffering does not exist, you are just not present enough in the moment!"
The second module of the coaching is the sacred dimension of interior design: place at least one Buddha head in every room, because where there is Buddha, there is no stress - at most, there is uncleaned dust, but that is karma. Scented candles, Tibetan singing bowls, colour therapy mandalas - visual peace is part of the package, because we know that even if you're not enlightened, at least look like you're halfway there.
Bonus: an online workshop where you can learn how to charge your "home with alertness" while you're stressed at work more
When all else fails, the Buddha quotes finally come - "All your problems are opportunities", "The creative power of thought" - and the biggie: "Just let go!" Stress is nothing but "negative vibration", so you get a positive thinking workshop to go with it, where you learn: if you want it bad enough, the universe is made up of nothing but positive frequencies.
in the Positive Thinking package, all doubts are automatically erased, criticism is handled by a spam filter and individual suffering is massaged by a mindfulness coach.
Enlightenment with 30-day money-back guarantee
The exclusive promise of the 'Stress Management with Buddha' coaching package: if you don't get rid of all your problems in 30 days, you get your money back - but only in the form of a voucher to spend on a subsequent 'Enlightenment Express' course.
Last lesson: "If you want to beat stress, beat yourself first!" - But if that doesn't work, at least post that you tried. An instant sense of achievement is spiritual progress in itself, at least guaranteed in the package.
The truth is that the "Stress Management with Buddha" coaching package is exactly what it seems: a marketed nirvāṇa, a fast lane on the path of self-delusion where stress is not an internal cry but a challenge that you can neutralize with a little "letting go" instant powder at any time.
The modern man no longer wants to escape suffering, only to repackage, re-label and sell himself as having woken up - especially if it can be topped off with stylish furnishings, aromatherapy smoke and a quiet, passive-aggressive smile.
If the Buddha were alive today, he would probably sit quietly in a faux leather beanbag, watch the spiritual "slimming" wrap unfurl, and finally remark, "I didn't order this either."
And the rest of us would gratefully tick off another self-awareness module on the tireless conveyor belt of endless inner development.
